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twix of doom

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had to share this true story.... (not me BTW)

'Twix of

Doom' from the question, 'Rude Food'.

My first girlfriend and I were together for

about two and a half years. A few weeks before

we split up we went on a short break to Cartmel

in the Lake District, renting a cottage from my

auntie's boss.

We had a nice time there, wandering around the

priory, eating toasted teacakes and crumpets in

a small tea shop, but a more deviant event was

on the horizon.

'Would you eat something out of me?' she asked

one evening. I confess I was rather bewildered

and wondered what she could mean: A banana?

Some chocolate? A pie?

I suggested these things and she decided

that a Twix would be a good idea.

The next morning we walked to the local Spar

shop and, being a chivalrous type, I allowed her

to choose her Twix.

As the chocolate was slightly soft I suggested

that we should maybe put it into the freezer

for a while so that it wouldn't melt in a flash

(amongst other things) and she agreed.

'I'm ready,' she said late that evening. She

went upstairs before me while I retrieved the

Twix from the freezer, following in her

footsteps moments later. When I reached the

bedroom she had already undressed and was lying

on the bed, her legs apart.

For a moment I wondered how I was going to do

this: do I actually remove it from the wrapper

or do I shove the whole lot in? Do I put one

finger in or both of them? I didn't want to ask

as I felt this would just make her nervous and

would hardly instil confidence in the poor girl

as she lay there, legs akimbo, about to be

penetrated by a chocolate bar.

I decided to insert a single finger and opened

the wrapper, suddenly noticing that the

chocolate was covered in a slightly grey sheen

of condensation having been in the freezer all

day, and was also as hard as a pavement, my

thumbnail failing to leave an impression when I

tested it.

'This is going to be cold,' I warned before

introducing the Twix. She gasped as it slid

inside and I left about an inch of it sticking

out. For a moment I looked at the rather

ridiculous and mildly scary sight before me,

before bending down and biting off about half of

the exposed finger of Twix.

Without warning the whole thing vanished inside

her. Gone. I panicked, completely baffled,

wondering what I should do.

I didn't think it would be The Done Thing to

prise apart her labia like a mechanic lifting a

bonnet before rummaging around inside, so I

just lay there, staring, wanting to cry for a


And then a thick, brown liquid began to ooze

from her pubis. Terrified that it would ruin

the sheets – which, after all, were not ours –

I thrust my hand between her thighs and caught

the melted chocolate as it dribbled out, but my

hand quickly filled and I was then forced to

consider what I was going to do with a hand

full of rather hot melted Twix as I could

hardly say 'just crimp yourself off, love – I

need to go and wash my hand,' so screwing my

eyes shut I licked it off my hand while my

other one was slowly filling.

Then, just as I thought it couldn't get any

worse, the biscuit base popped out, completely,

eerily clean, stripped bare of chocolate and

caramel, like an albino penis.

I pulled it out and, hands full of chocolate,

quickly ate it while I awaited for her sugary

genital deluge to stop.

I don't think I've eaten a Twix since.

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:eusa_hand:------------------ :scared:

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... This is hot...

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His name wasn't Errol Brown by any chance?

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