FARTS N STUFF

[djpaul69]

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb.

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body to squirt blood 30 feet.

(O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.

(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour

(Don't try this at home,maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.

("Honey, I'm home. What the....?!")

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field.

(30 minutes..lucky pig! Can you imagine?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds.

(What could be so tasty on the bottom of a pond?)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day.

(I still want to be a pig in my next life...quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet.

(Something I always wanted to know.)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.

(Hmmmmmm......)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people.

(If you're ambidextrous, do you split the difference?)

Elephants are the only animals that cannot jump.

(okay, so that would be a good thing)

A cat's urine glows under a black light.

(I wonder who was paid to figure that out?)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.

(I know some people like that.)

Starfish have no brains

(I know some people like that too.)

Polar bears are left-handed.

(If they switch, they'll live a lot longer)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure.

(What about that pig??)

Now that you've smiled at least once, it's your turn to spread these crazy facts and send this to someone you want to bring a smile to (maybe even a chuckle)...In other words, send it to everyone!

The Middle Wife

By an Anonymous 2nd grade teacher.

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself, but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back. When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students It helps them get over shyness and usually, show-and-tell is pretty tame Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it in to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater.

She holds up a snapshot of an infant. "This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday. First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad put a seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago, my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh, oh!'" Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!'" Now this kid is doing a hysterical duck walk and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man. They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this." Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!" This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push,' and 'breathe, breathe.' They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-centre, so there must be a lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat. I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

Now you have two choices...laugh and close this page or pass this along to someone else to spread the laughs. I know what I did!! Live every day as if it is your LAST chance to make someone happy

>>>Sometimes you have to use very basic language to get a simple message

>>

>>>across!

>>>

>>>

>>>MILITARY WORDS OF WISDOM

>>>

>>>"AIM TOWARDS THE ENEMY."

>>>- Instruction printed on US Army Rocket Launcher

>>>

>>>"WHEN THE PIN IS PULLED, MR. GRENADE IS NOT OUR FRIEND."

>>>- US Marine Corps

>>>

>>>"CLUSTER BOMBING FROM B-52s IS VERY, VERY ACCURATE. THE BOMBS ARE

>>>GUARANTEED TO ALWAYS HIT THE GROUND."

>>>- USAF Ammo Troop

>>>

>>>"IF THE ENEMY IS IN RANGE, SO ARE YOU." - US Army Infantry Journal

>>>

>>>"A SLIPPING GEAR COULD LET YOUR M203 GRENADE LAUNCHER FIRE WHEN YOU

>> LEAST

>>>EXPECT IT. THAT WOULD MAKE YOU QUITE UNPOPULAR IN WHAT'S LEFT OF YOUR

>>>UNIT."

>>>- US Army's Magazine of Preventive Maintenance

>>>

>>>"IT IS GENERALLY INADVISABLE TO EJECT DIRECTLY OVER THE AREA YOU'VE

>> JUST

>>>BOMBED." - US Air Force manual

>>>

>>>"TRY TO LOOK UNIMPORTANT; THE ENEMY MAY BE LOW ON AMMO."

>>>- US Army Infantry Journal

>>>

>>>"TRACERS WORK BOTH WAYS." - US Army Ordnance

>>>

>>>"FIVE-SECOND FUSES ONLY LAST THREE SECONDS."

>>>- US Army Infantry Journal

>>>

>>>"BRAVERY IS BEING THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS YOU'RE AFRAID."

>>>- David Hackworth

>>>

>>>"IF YOUR ATTACK IS GOING TOO WELL, YOU'RE WALKING INTO AN AMBUSH."

>>>- US Army Infantry Journal

>>>

>>>"NO COMBAT-READY UNIT HAS EVER PASSED INSPECTION." - Joe Gay

>>>

>>>"ANY SHIP CAN BE A MINESWEEPER . . ONCE." - Anon

>>>

>>>"NEVER TELL THE PLATOON SERGEANT YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO." - Unknown

>> Marine

>>>Recruit

>>>

>>>"DON'T DRAW FIRE; IT IRRITATES THE PEOPLE AROUND YOU."

>>>- US Army Infantry Journal

>>>

>>>"IF YOU SEE A BOMB TECHNICIAN RUNNING, TRY TO KEEP UP WITH HIM. "

>> -USAF

>>>Ammo Troop

[djpaul69]

[Alex]

Hefty batches!

[Boozehound]

Hefty batches!

2.50 on a Sunday morning and they'd stop being hefty batches and become valid targets.

10.00 on the same Sunday morning and they'd amazingly transform back into hefty batches who just WILL NOT LEAVE!

None of the above is based on personal experience.