stolen from another forum:

I got sacked last night from the Salvation Army soup kitchen, ungrateful bleeders, all I said was, 'hurry up for christs sake, some of us have got homes to go to!'

Christmas is like any other day for me, sitting at the table with a big fat bird who doesn't gobble anymore.

Women should be like golf caddies, either holding your balls or getting your bloody tee ready!

Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching tv when I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen, 'what you like for dinner my love, chicken, beef or lamb?' I said, 'Thank you, I'll have chicken please'

She replied, 'You're having soup you fat bastard, I was talking to the cat!'

Not every flower can say love, but a rose can. Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can. Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!

Got myself a new Jack Russell puppy, he's mainly black and brown with a small white patch, so I've named him Birmingham.

In an Indian restaurant last night having a meal, waiter came over and says, 'Curry Ok?' I said, 'go on then, just one song then bugger off'

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail. I looked round and this bloke shouts, 'That's just for starters!'

Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.

Yoko Ono has been signed up for the next series of 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here!' Show bosses think she will do really well since she's been living off a dead Beatle for the last thirty years.

LOL