not me, but read it and weep guys

[drewpy]

I was a Teenage lad in the stage of life where the phrases "Fist of Fury" and "Wanking like a caged Chimp" were rather fitting. By day I was a shifty kid who'd run off to his room with alarming regularity, and by night I could be found humping any inanimate object that I thought might be provide a new sensation. One night, pleased with my forward planning, I went to bed with a napkin ring in my pocket.

I'd pocketted the napkin ring because I'd just learned about 'cock rings'. To this day I hold Ferris Beuler responsible. "A little knowledge is a dangerous thing" ... lacking Knowledge such as "Cock-rings are designed to be released" could - for example - be deemed to be dangerous.

You learn these things by experimenting, research, or in my case, The hard way.

**********

Mid session, the stand-in napkin suddenly became too big for its ring... Being the smart lad I was, I reasoned "It'll go down if I get turned off... What's horrible?" Teenage reason kicked in, and closed my eyes and pictured my Gran, Naked, with pus dripping from her crusty crevice. Not only did I manage to maintain this vile image for 5 minutes, but I managed to maintain an erection throughout. An erection that was in fact increasing in size.

I was HORRIFIED: I obviously harboured disturbing subconscious thoughts for my Gran. Subsequently I took no pleasure in the sudden and painful understanding of the bio-mechanics behind my now monstrous and painful hard-on: so long as the napkin ring stayed... so would this throbbing beast...

You know how a love-bite/hickey causes surface capillaries to burst, and make your skin go a blotchy red/purple? well... my Dick was VERY much like that... ALL OVER.

I started to Panic. I mentally pictured A&E (ER for the 'Merkins), and pictured a jovial fireman with some big metal shears quipping "we'll be having it off ina Jiffy"... Sweating with Terror I attempted reason, and realised that I could perform this surgical removal by myself. In my moment of need turned to my trusty Minicraft Drill... Two cutting disks later, the pewter napkin ring was only HALF off!!

Cutting disks whining away at 30,000rpm cause HEAT. Pewter is a fairly soft metal, so it doesn't actually cut well.

HEAT. did I mention that? HEAT!!! Heat in a metal ring, Painfully tight around my man-handle.

Total

And

UTTER

Agony.

Ignore the pain: get on with the job in hand.

So... Water. More water. cut. Water. CUT. JEEEEZ.

You KNOW something's SERIOUSLY wrong when you're naked, on your knees and wearing goggles with your cock in one hand and a miniature angle-grinder in the other.

So... cutting bit by bit I manage to make decent cut, gently working it until its wafer thin - The heat was burning me. I could smell bacon, but it was progress - Sweet merciful progress. And then it happened. The disk snagged, and bit in.

As if the cutting disk shattering and forcing wafer-thin shards of metal into my todger wasn't enough, I then panicked and used pliers to rip the rest of the napkin ring open.

In my panicked haste I firstly pinching skin between pliers and inside of ring, and THEN badly cutting myself with the sharp edges.

While cradling my deflating, blotchy, bleeding, lacerated and smoking cock in a shaking and clammy hand, my misery, pain and horror were compounded my MUM came up to see why I was "making toys" at 2:00am on a school night.

[ChristianSRA]

I almost questioned WHY? Then realised the title and thought phew that made me feel rather sick for a moment there haha