Gas up - Let's Go! Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 A little story to help you understand how the rest of the world see's us. A SQUIRRELS TALE REST OF THE WORLD VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building and improving his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. The shivering grasshopper has no food or shelter, so he dies out in the cold. THE END THE U.K. VERSION: The squirrel works hard in the withering heat all summer long, building his house and laying up supplies for the winter. The grasshopper thinks he's a fool, and laughs and dances and plays the summer away. Come winter, the squirrel is warm and well fed. A social worker finds the shivering grasshopper, calls a press conference and demands to know why the squirrel should be allowed to be warm and well fed while others less fortunate, like the grasshopper, are cold and starving. The BBC shows up to provide live coverage of the shivering grasshopper; with cuts to a video of the squirrel in his comfortable warm home with a table laden with food. The British press inform people that they should be ashamed that in a country of such wealth, this poor grasshopper is allowed to suffer so, while others have plenty. The Labour Party, Greenpeace, Animal Rights and The Grasshopper Council of GB demonstrate in front of the squirrel's house. The BBC, interrupting a cultural festival special from Notting Hill with breaking news, broadcasts a multi cultural choir singing "We Shall Overcome". Ken Livingstone rants in an interview with Trevor McDonald that the squirrel got rich off the backs of grasshoppers, and calls for an immediate tax hike on the squirrel to make him pay his "fair share" and increases the charge for squirrels to enter inner London . In response to pressure from the media, the Government drafts the Economic Equity and Grasshopper Anti Discrimination Act, retroactive to the beginning of the summer. The squirrel's taxes are reassessed. He is taken to court and fined for failing to hire grasshoppers as builders for the work he was doing on his home and an additional fine for contempt when he told the court the grasshopper did not want to work. The grasshopper is provided with a council house, financial aid to furnish it and an account with a local taxi firm to ensure he can be socially mobile. The squirrel's food is seized and re distributed to the more needy members of society, in this case the grasshopper. Without enough money to buy more food, to pay the fine and his newly imposed retroactive taxes, the squirrel has to downsize and start building a new home. The local authority takes over his old home and utilises it as a temporary home for asylum seeking cats who had hijacked a plane to get to Britain as they had to share their country of origin with mice. On arrival they tried to blow up the airport because of Britain 's apparent love of dogs. The cats had been arrested for the international offence of hijacking and attempted bombing but were immediately released because the police fed them pilchards instead of salmon whilst in custody. Initial moves to then return them to their own country were abandoned because it was feared they would face death by the mice. The cats devise and start a scam to obtain money from people's credit cards. A Panorama special shows the grasshopper finishing up the last of the squirrel's food, though spring is still months away, while the council house he is in, crumbles around him because he hasn't bothered to maintain the house. He is shown to be taking drugs. Inadequate government funding is blamed for the grasshopper's drug 'illness'. The cats seek recompense in the British courts for their treatment since arrival in UK . The grasshopper gets arrested for stabbing an old dog during a burglary to get money for his drugs habit. He is imprisoned but released immediately because he has been in custody for a few weeks. He is placed in the care of the probation service to monitor and supervise him. Within a few weeks he has killed a guinea pig in a botched robbery. A commission of enquiry, that will eventually cost £10,000,000 and state the obvious, is set up. Additional money is put into funding a drug rehabilitation scheme for grasshoppers and legal aid for lawyers representing asylum seekers is increased. The asylum-seeking cats are praised by the government for enriching Britain 's multicultural diversity and dogs are criticised by the government for failing to befriend the cats. The grasshopper dies of a drug overdose. The usual sections of the press blame it on the obvious failure of government to address the root causes of despair arising from social inequity and his traumatic experience of prison. They call for the resignation of a minister. The cats are paid a million pounds each because their rights were infringed when the government failed to inform them there were mice in the United Kingdom. The squirrel, the dogs and the victims of the hijacking, the bombing, the burglaries and robberies have to pay an additional percentage on their credit cards to cover losses, their taxes are increased to pay for law and order and they are told that they will have to work beyond 65 because of a shortfall in government funds. THE END Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Cov_AL Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 haha, good one! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Batifan19 Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Here's another one similar...working in Health & Safety, this ones "Occupational Humour" for me The Good Lord In the year 2006 the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in England and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save 2 of every living thing along with a few good humans". He gave Noah the CAD drawings, saying "You have 6 months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights". 6 months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark. "Noah!" he roared, "Im about to start the rain! Where's the Ark?" "Forgive me Lord" begged Noah "But things have changed. I needed Building Regulations Approval because the Ark was over 30m2. Ive been arguing with the Fire Brigade about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbours claim that I should have obtained planning permission for building the Ark in my garden because it is development of the site even though in my view it is a temporary structure, but the roof is too high. We had to go to appeal to the Secretary of State for a decision. The Local Area Access Group complained that my ramp was going to be too steep, and the inside of the Ark wasnt fully accessible, the The Department of Transport demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. Getting the wood was another problem. All the decent trees have Tree Preservation Orders on them and we live in a Site of Special Scientific Interest, set up in order to protect the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!. When I started gathering animals, the RSPCA sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodation was too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space. Then the County Council, the Environmental Agency and the Rivers Authority ruled that I couldnt build the Ark until the had conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood. Im still trying to resolve a complaint with the Equal Opportunities Commission on how many BME's im supposed to hire for my building team. The Trade Unions say I cant use my sons. They insist I have to hire only CSCS accredited workers with Ark Building experience. To make matters worse, Customs & Excise siezed all my assets, claiming Im trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species. So, forgive me Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark". Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine and a rainbow appeared. Noah looked up in wonder and asked "You mean your not going to destroy the world?" "No", said the Lord "The Labour Government beat me to it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gas up - Let's Go! Posted March 23, 2009 Author Share Posted March 23, 2009 "The Labour Government beat me to it!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
steve m Posted March 23, 2009 Share Posted March 23, 2009 Trouble is ,,,,,,,,,,,,,,, It`s all true Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator drewpy Posted March 23, 2009 Moderator Share Posted March 23, 2009 don't know whether to laugh or cry its too bloody close for comfort. Or maybe because I read the daily mail! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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