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Jokes that made me chock on my tea!


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"The HMRC decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the regional office.

The HMRC auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his solicitor.

The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no

full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money

gambling. I'm not sure the HMRC finds that believable.'

'I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a

demonstration?'

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'

Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand pounds that I can bite my own eye.'

The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'

Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops.

Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand pounds that I can bite

my other eye.'

Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye...

The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand,

with Grandpa's solicitor as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six

thousand pounds that I can stand on one side of your desk, and wee

into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere

in between.'

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and

decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt,

so he agrees again.

Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he

strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on

the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's

desk.

The auditor leaps and shouts with joy, realizing that he has just

turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa's own solicitor moans

and puts his head in his hands.

'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.

'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me

he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand pounds

that he could come in here and piss all over your desk and that you'd

be happy about it!'"

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Mr Cadbury met Mss Rowntree on a Double Decker. It was After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street.

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said with a Wispa.

"I'm Marathon, the one with the nuts" he replied.

He touched her Creme Eggs and slipped his hand into her Snickers. He

fondled her Flap Jacks and she rubbed his Tic Tacs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight and he shot his

chewy centre.

But 3 days later his sherbert dib-dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he's got

fuckin Allsorts!!

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A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, 'Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later.'

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?'

The nun replied, 'He went that way.'

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, 'I can't thank you enough Sister You see, I don't want to go to Iraq .'

The nun said, 'I understand completely.'

The soldier added, 'I hope I'm not rude, but you have a great pair of legs!'

The nun replied, 'If you had looked a little higher, you would have seen a great pair of balls....I don't want to go to Iraq either !!"

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