Alan

Personally I'd settle for the leathers and sweaty knackers in the summer

Well looking at that little lot I'm a bit short on kit. I would have have said either or as regards leathers or the cordura. One piece rainsuit with the leathers certainly but not with the cordura. Why 2 pair of gloves and boots? Regardless of cost, do you have to carry a second pair of gloves and boots just in case it rains? A very good reasonably priced helmet is the Takachi TK100. ACU Gold etc. These are used more and more by Club Racers. I see a lot of helmets (ooh missus) as a scrutineer and I was so impressed with the TK100 that I bought one myself. Got one for £60.

I wouldn't have thought they were legal. I always thought that indicators had to be placed a minimum distance from centre line of bike

When me Exup got blown over a few weeks ago I couldn't lift it on me own. I had to get the missus out of bed to give me a hand. That's the first time I've ever told her to get her kit on!

A nun was taking a bath when there was a knock at the bathroom door. the nun asks, '' Who's there?'' A man's voice replies ''I'm a blind man'' Thinking that no harm can be done as he can't see, the nun steps naked out of the bath and unlocks the door. The door opens and the man says, ''What colour do you want the blinds?''

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. ''I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there.'' A little confused, the owner goes over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes a deep breath. ''Ah, yes, thats what I'll have - roast beef and all the trimmings.'' Unbelievable, the owner thinks to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owners wife, so he tells her what has just occured. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. ''Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man.'' ''I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go and get a dirty fork.'' The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, ''That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli.'' Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him! the blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming, so runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, ''Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man.'' Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. ''Good afternoon ,sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you.'' The blind man puts the fork to his nose, and takes a deep whiff, and says, ''Hey, I didn't know that Mary worked here!''

I like. I like it a lot! What engine has it got?

At the mo there are about half a dozen from the Derby area coming over. (Unless of course its snowing!)

When the fair came to town, Fred and his wife Ethel went every year. Every year Fred would say, ''Ethel I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'' Ethel always replied, ''I know Fred, But that helicopter ride is 50 pounds, and 50 pounds is 50 pounds.'' One year, Fred and Ethel went to the fair, and Fred said ''Ethel I'm 85 years old, If I don't ride that helicopter, I might not get another chance.'' Ethel replied, ''Fred that helicopter is 50 pounds, and 50 pounds is 50 pounds.'' The pilot overheard the couple and said, ''I'll make you a deal. I'll take both of you up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say a word,I won't charge you. But, if you say one word, it's 50 pounds!'' Fred and Ethel agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kind of manouvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a word. When they landed the pilot turned to Fred and said, ''I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't, I'm impressed!'' Fred replied, ''Well I nearly said something when Ethel fell out, but 50 pounds is 50 pounds.

I can almost hear the banjos. Visions of Deliverance just flashed through my mind

What does it look like?

A lot of insurance brokers ask if an alarm is fitted. To be honest an alarm's only good if you are close enough to hear it. Nobody pays any attention to alarms going off!

Why?

You don't need a turbo for that. Just find the highest bridge, climb over the side, and JUMP!

Nah! This was pre Specials

A guy goes into a bar and asks the barman for a bottle of his best champagne and a double whisky. ''Are you celebrating? asks the barman ''I've just had my first blowjob'' was the reply. ''So whats the whisky for?'' enquires the barman. ''To take the taste away!''

Most of the fours are still running virtually standard engines. The pukka engines should be available for the next round. Febs too early to start racing anyway.

This didn't actually happen to me but I was sort of involved. It was a sunny sunday and I'd gone for a ride with me mates. Ozzie on his Z250 me on me RD200 and Mick on his Z1R bringing up the rear. We'd been out for a couple of hours. Mick got a bit bored of sitting at the back, so he hurtled past and disappeared into the distance. About 5 miles up the road there was a left hand bend and as we approached there was this huge skid mark on the road and a hole in a fence. Ossie and me stopped by the hole and had a look. Lying in the field about 20 feet below was the remains of a Z1R. It looked like a plane crash - there was wreckage strewn all over the place. As we were looking down on the mess, Mick, bloodied with his clothes ripped to shreds was slowly pulling himself up the bank towards us. We ran down to help him and through his now visor less helmet mumbled ''Too much too young'' and passed out. The jammy git got away with cuts and bruises and he even got the Z1R repaired. Some of the bruises were inflicted by his Dad tho.

A mate of mine got pulled for speeding. The cop asked him why he was in such a hurry. My mate told him he wanted a shit. The copper told him he'd found one and kept him at the side of the road for 30 minutes.